Who Am I?

What do I answer to the question of who I am?  I am a mother, a grandmother,  a clinical social worker, a dog lover, a student of human nature and motivations, a therapist, and an employee.  If we take it deeper,  I can go into my values, my beliefs and my behavioral manifestations.  I could also tell you about my history.  Does that define me?  Am I defined by the thoughts that run through my head?  Am I defined by my behaviors each moment of the day?  Am I defined by what I have done in the past?  Am I defined by my intentions? 

On a Saturday a few weeks ago,  I indulged a need and bought a bunch of new clothes.  I can justify that by reporting that everything in my closet was old or the wrong size.  That is the truth.  Does it justify spending a large chunk of change on clothes?  Trust me I can find both the justifications for it and the arguments against having done it.   Was it the right thing or the wrong thing to do?  Did it define who I am?

After I bought those clothes, I went to the grocery store and bought some healthy food to eat and some gluten free beer.  I discovered in the last year that my body does not process gluten very well and I feel better if I eat "gluten free". I spend more money on groceries as a result of trying to be gluten free.  Will I die if I do not eat gluten free?  No, I just feel better.  Did I need the beer?  Was that a healthy choice?  Am I a health conscious person or simply being trendy by being gluten free?  Was spending money on a six pack of beer that was pricey due to the non-gluten nature of it justified or just a self-centered whim?  Thus far, yesterday I appear to be a rather self centered, self gratifying person.  If someone had been following me around watching what I was doing, what might they assume about me?  What might the description of me be, based on those facts? 

As I was leaving the grocery store, I received a text from my son.  He asked if I could come over and watch my granddaughter.  I did not ask why.  I just asked when.  He replied, "whenever".  I happened to be a few blocks away when he sent the text.   I let him know that, but started in the direction of my home.   I thought I would just go drop off the groceries at my house and then come back.  He sent a text back and asked if I could just put the groceries in his refrigerator and come on over.  I turned my car around and went to his house.  I did all that with no questions asked and no thought about anything except going over to watch my granddaughter.  I love my granddaughter, my son and his wife.  It really did not matter to me why they wanted me to watch her.  I really love being able to be an easy resource for them and being able to spend time with her.  It is easy for me to respond spontaneously because I live alone (except for my dog who is very understanding) and because family relationships are the center of my being.  I am lucky in that I seldom have to choose between obligations or other people I love.  I can justify and explain all my reasons for doing whatever I do. Does that make them right?  Does that define who I am?  Others might interpret that I am no longer being self-centered and self-gratifying, I am now being other centered and generous by going over to see my son and his family and watching my granddaughter.  Is that who I am? 

I ended up spending the rest of the day with them.  In the evening, my son went out to see a hockey game for which he had free tickets.  He took my other son and his wife with him.  I stayed with my daughter-in-law and grand child.  The baby went to bed by 7:30.  Clearly my daughter-in-law was enjoying having some company, so I stayed.  I chatted with her while she continued the process of spring cleaning which it turns out was the reason they asked me to come over to watch over the baby (she is 18 months old and VERY active).  Cleaning and keeping her safe are not necessarily possible simultaneously.  At this point, if I were telling another young family about this part of my day they would give me praise for being such a wonderful grandmother, mother and mother-in-law. They would call me selfless and generous perhaps.  Am I a selfless, generous, wonderful grandmother, mother and mother-in-law?  Does the praise define who I am even though I spent the first part of the day being self-gratifying and self-centered?

As the evening went on my daughter-in-law turned to more serious topics.  We ended up talking about one of the things about my past that I wish I could erase.  My anger used to come out in ways that was painful to my loved ones.  I yelled when I was frustrated or felt threatened. 
I dramatically changed that when my youngest son was 12 and my oldest son was 15.   The story of how is for another blog.  My sons are now both in their 30's.  I have been able to be the kind of mother I should have been all along for the last 20 years.  Do I deserve praise or condemnation?  Am I a good mother or a bad mother?  Who am I?

I have said it before in these blogs.  I am evolving.  I am becoming all that I can be.  Is it easy to face the mistakes I have made?  I know there are still unfinished parts of me.  I find spots that need to be healed.  Learning to love myself has helped.  Having the love of my children has helped.  Loving and being loved is the key to life.  

Anytime we are believed to be 100 percent anything, that belief is not based on who we are as human beings.  It is more helpful to notice things that are progressing toward something better in yourself.  Notice things you want to change.  Notice when you label yourself something that is all encompassing.  Remember, we are not dumb all the time.  We are not lazy all the time.  We are not mean all the time. Note the specifics of what you know about your thoughts and behavior.  "I felt afraid because I thought I was going to be fired.  When I felt that fear I became defensive with my boss."  That is helpful.  Labeling yourself as defensive is not helpful.

Do not let the labels assigned to you by yourself or others define who you are.   They are just snapshots of you and not really you.

I hope you can see that answering the question of "who I am" is ever changing for each of us.  The next time someone judges you in a less than complimentary way, remember that the judgment is only looking at a small snapshot of who you really are.  I am still working on "Who I Am".  I suspect the same is true of you.  Be aware if you are judging yourself based on some snapshot.  Snapshots do not capture all of who we are.  Global statements based on those snapshots are not beneficial.   Delight in others and yourself the way a small child does.  Know that you are still learning and changing into all you can possibly be.