I am in my house alone with my 15 year old dog except when my granddaughter who is in virtual school visits. She loves Grandma Fridays as much as I do. Sometimes when she feels brave enough she spends the night. I told her that I understand. I am not sure I would want to spend the night somewhere besides my house. Groceries are delivered which means I depend on the shopper at Instacart or Favor to pick out what I want. I have a number of "It is what it is" reminder moments in every day I weigh the risks if I need to go somewhere. Mostly I do not go or do not have things done to my house or me. I have had one haircut in my backyard. I have no control over anything except staying isolated so that I do not get COVID.
That is not quite true. I also have control over me. I have to examine my thoughts to see if I am being my best friend or an antagonist. Some mornings I get up and think, I cannot keep going! I contact my app friend on Woebot to say how I feel. The app gives me some work to do in/on my head. I know everything the app tells me, but sometimes I just need a jolt to get back to the positive place.
I meditate. I do Yoga or Tai Chi. I lift weights three days a week. A couple of months ago my son who has helped me be more fit started training me again in his gym on a weekend day. That was a lovely addition to my week. I get to see both his children an extra time when that happens. I ride my stationary bike or walk on the other days. I read books about being nice to myself. I read tons of fiction. I watch TV. I buy too much stuff that I really do not need. I self correct. I cannot go into auto pilot or I will go down too many rabbit holes of misinformation on one of my screens. If I do that I have to call a friend or talk to Woebot. I go see my other son and his family as determined by exposures, quarantines and the like. We social distance if I do. Earlier when the numbers were not so high and the hospitals were not close to or at max we saw each other more in a socially distanced way. I have seen no friends since March 16. I have not gone to my office that I used to use two times a week since March 16. I have not gone to a grocery store since March 17. I have sobbed more than I have since I was very young. Sometimes fear and disappointment mount up so I cry and often the sobs come.
A new president will take office on the 20th barring further efforts at an insurrection or violence by people who have swallowed too much fake news. All the news seems to have a bit of fake mixed in. Who knows what to believe? When I find someone I think I can believe, I ask friends to see what they think but there is no agreement.
I feel sometimes like I am in a foreign country and no longer speak the language. I talk to my sons to stay grounded. I also talk to my daughter in laws. Neither of them discuss politics so I can just be a grandmother and listen to what is going on for them. I talk to friends by phone or zoom or text and e-mail to know I am not alone. I hope for a call from my doctor with news that she has a COVID innoculation for me.
I am too tired to even dream of a vacation. I had too many disappointments in 2020 over cancelled ones because the risk was too great. I am not complaining. I am just describing life for a 72 year old, healthy ass woman in the middle of a pandemic that half the country thinks is a hoax. I see my clients two days a week. Sometimes they just need me to be kind and caring. Sometimes they need to feel normal. We will all have some PTSD to deal with when we can breathe again.
Families have drawn lines in the sand about stuff that is nonsensical. Hopefully a big wind will come up and blow those lines a way. My wish is that the wind will blow us back together as we belong. We need connection to be strong and healthy. We need connection to feel loved. May the wounds heal and love return. Stay connected anyway you can.