Anger Management Step 1 - Finding My Triggers

Do you ever say things to friends and family that you realize later were hurtful.  Maybe you do not even always recognize it but someone you trust mentions how much it hurt or that you were being rude.  You were "just mad" and you said "you were sorry", but nonetheless you did damage with your words and actions. 

Anger CAN be controlled.  You do not have to go around doing damage control if you control your anger.  You do not have to hurt those you love the most with your outbursts.  Life becomes simpler if you are responsible for your own emotions and learn to recognize and choose to control that anger.  People do not "make" you mad. You choose to get mad.  I realize that for some of us, anger has been such a huge portion of our self-defense, and self- protection that we do not recognize how much control we have over it.  It is like a knee-jerk reaction when we feel threatened, out of control, guilty, frustrated, sad, powerless and many other things. 

When we think we are about to lose something we value, anger can come rolling up. 

Anger comes as a result of feeling other things first.  Anger is a secondary response to feeling something else.  Some of us feel threatened by sad feelings.  Sadness makes us feel weak in the eyes of others and in our own eyes.  Speaking of eyes, tears actually did make us vulnerable when we had to defend against every type of predator imaginable while living unprotected in the wild.  My point is, anger was once imperative for survival.  Now, it seems to be something that  makes us attack one another and cause damage to each other.

This will be my first bite sized nugget about anger.  Why do I write about it?  In my years as a therapist, I saw anger cause much damage to many relationships.  Within myself, it is something I learned to recognize, control and ultimately direct.  Before I did that, it caused a great deal of damage to me and others.  I want to try to be of assistance to those who are struggling.  I want to try to give some helpful words to those who have promised to their loved ones, "I am working on it" and keep apologizing, but can't quite get to the place where anger no longer causes harm. 

If you want to go on this journey, I suggest that you begin to pay attention to your anger.  The first step is as follows.  When you find yourself in anger or after its over and you realize you were angry, think about what you felt before you became angry.  

Why?  You must begin to find your triggers for anger.  The triggers are the keys to learning to stop hurting self and others with angry words and actions.  I warn you the transition between what you first felt and anger can be very rapid.  That is why we so easily think, "He/She MADE me mad".   Believing that gives others a great deal of power in our lives.  I choose to be in control of my own life, not let others control me.  More to follow.