Anger Management Step 4- Set the prisoners free!

How do I get to be free from all those negative feelings that result in me being angry and saying and doing things out of anger that hurt others?  How can I get back my full range of emotions?

Out of sadness and fear we begin to protect ourselves.  Someone does something that creates a painful emotion, so we begin to engage in a defensive emotion that serves as  protective gear.  We use anger to cloak our fear and sadness. Our protective gear turns into imprisoning chains.  

We may think of anger as a red faced, yelling or even violent emotion. That doesn't give it enough depth.  It may be expressed in passive aggressive, manipulative, nagging or raging behaviors to name a few variations.  It all hurts both us and those we love. It creates a protection for us but it also creates distance between us and our loved ones.  It causes division in our families. It causes us to lie to ourselves by justifying our behavior.  A good gauge for "is it anger" is to look at the results of the emotion.  Does it result in me feeling like I should apologize or the other person should apologize?  Does it result in something besides feeling love and compassion for my fellow travelers?

How do you set the prisoners (including yourself free)?  (See Step 3).  The first step is to begin to identify who caused you emotional pain and who you are holding a grudge against. (See previous post on Grudges for more).  You may say, but I know who I am mad at, and they deserve it.   No doubt, you are right.  However, the question to ask is whether you deserve to be linked forever to that anger you have toward them.  If you think of a person and feel a ripple of negative emotions as you remember the time their words or actions caused you sadness or emotional pain, you are not quite through with that process called forgiving. 

Make a list of who you have negative emotions toward and why.  Hint: Almost always we have anger at those we love the most and for the longest time (parents, spouses, siblings, high school sweetheart, etc).  You may even find random names on the list that you had almost completely forgotten.  Most find they have anger at the world, the universe, or their notion of a supreme being for all those things that seemed unfair or unjust.  If you are completely honest, you may find anger and disappointment at yourself.  It is very important to forgive yourself.  I encourage you not to judge your reasons for being angry.  Sometimes they seem trite.  If they made it onto your list they are important.

After you have your list finished, begin to ask yourself to be willing to let go of your right to judge or have anger toward the people on your list. When the pain is particularly deep, your first pass may sound like "I don't want to but I want to want to forgive them". The more resistance you feel toward letting go of those negative feelings toward a person, the more important it is to dig down a little deeper to see if you can figure out why you are so resistant. The resistance just may be attached to those emotions that fuel anger,  like fear and sadness.  Fear of abandonment is a potent fuel for anger.  Make a list and start saying, "I forgive XXX for XXX about each person.   Often I have been asked, "what if they are no longer living".  The positive energy you create by saying this and seeking to really mean it brings the same result. As you falter over some of the names on your list,  answer the question, "Do I deserve to be happy and free from this damaging anger."  

The journey may be confusing and even painful at times.  The end result of this exercise is that you feel more positive, you begin to smile more, and you discover more of who you were truly meant to be.  You begin to have your full range of emotions.  When I went through this process the first time (yes, it is ongoing), my family noticed an immediate change in my mood and countenance.  One of my sons asked if I was "on drugs".  

Stay tuned for what to do with toxic relationships on your list of those you seek to forgive, how to work through those places I used to fill with anger but are really more about fear or sadness and the ongoing process of managing anger.