In earlier entries about anger management, I suggested that your own name should be on the list of people you need to forgive. Perhaps this was a bit confusing to you or perhaps you immediately assumed responsibility for all the wrongs that had been done against you. Maybe you understood and simply made a list of all you had done for which you needed to forgive yourself. This can be a rather complex part of anger management. It causes some to balk in confusion.
At this point you must think about all the things you have done to hurt others. Some of those things you have done were in response to what others did to you. You may think, "but they deserved it!" In the language of those in 12 step programs, this is that "fearless inventory" many dread. A first attempt often looks more like a list of everyone who ever hurt you. Sometimes people never move beyond seeing all the wrongs done to them. They get stuck in "being the victim".
Being able to see yourself with increased clarity will help you let go of the anger you have towards others. Something about realizing we are all human and therefore flawed, helps us not be so self-righteous. It can help us forgive others as we realize our shortcomings. It is hard to be "holier than thou" when seeing clearly. You must see and own the wrongs you have done to others which requires seeing yourself honestly. We can justify, minimize, deny, and even lie to ourselves about who we really are and whether our actions hurt others. In order to fully forgive ourselves, we must be honest about who we are and what we have done. It helps to get still and quiet as we think about ourselves and those we have had conflict with.
The 12 steps ask that you enlist a "higher power". The higher power is not defined because healing is a very personal journey. Awareness of and dependency upon a higher power is in part about linking to your own spirituality. To me spirituality is knowing unfailingly that we are all one. What I do to you impacts me, you and everyone else. Spirituality may be manifested by being amazed at nature and its overwhelming beauty. It may be evidenced by taking a moment to marvel at something as simple and yet complex as the natural food chain. Sometimes its about believing in our own deeper self that knows instinctively (even though we sometimes ignore it) what is right and wrong. Spirituality has a component of awe, faith and connectivity. It is about becoming fully alive and present, feeling with your fellow human beings, and responding with love and compassion.
As I grew up, I developed a quick wit and sharp tongue that served as a wicked defense system. That sharp tongue and quick wit resided in the head of a very insecure and damaged person. At heart, I wanted you to like me. If, despite my best efforts to win your approval through being a crowd pleasing contortionist, you dared to find fault with me or if you hurt someone I loved, I was willing to play judge, jury and executioner(not literally). I might put walls around my relationship with you or even exile you from my presence. My list of people to forgive included many I had exiled and even some who had exiled me.
As I began to look at all my prisoners, (see Steps 3 and 4) and remembered the times my prisoners committed offenses that I made personal, I realized my own faults. I was sometimes arrogant, rude and mean spirited. I gossiped about them or said mean things about them. When someone did something that hurt my feelings or intimated that I was less than perfect, my walls went up and I did whatever was needed to intimidate them into behaving the way I thought they should. If the pain in me was too great, I simply refused to let them have any access to me or my emotions. The anger I had for them was present and they could probably sense it, but I would simply be polite in their presence. Honesty is a key to freedom from anger and being polite was a lie. Hence, the anger remained.
In this stage of conquering your too fast and destructive temper and impatience, honestly look at yourself when the behavior of others causes you sadness or fear. What do you do in response? How have those responses hurt others? Self-honesty will help you begin to truly be in control of your responses and not lash out in anger.
No comments:
Post a Comment