Anger Management Step 7- Developing the Fine Art of a Meaningful Apology

Let us recap.  You have learned to identify your emotions at the earliest possible time and consider redirecting where you allow the anger to go.  You have that list of all the people you were holding captive, aka against whom you were holding grudges.  You have looked at all they did to harm you and have begun the process of forgiving their wrongdoing.  You have looked at what part you played in those dramas and have begun the process of forgiving and loving yourself.

The next step is to begin practicing REAL apologies to those you have harmed.  Again, look at your list, determine who you feel good about being able to to say,  "I am so sorry for (fill in the blank or blanks).  I hope that someday you will be able to forgive me for how I harmed you."  It is very helpful, but not always possible, to look that person in the eye as you apologize.  It does not even matter if the person is no longer living.  You can write out what you would say to them if they were still alive.  Its best if you read it to someone who is kind and compassionate.  At the very least, read it to your mirror.  

I do not recommend that you even attempt an apology until you have determined that you are doing it for the right reasons.  The right reason for doing anything is love of self and others.  

Now, you can certainly say more than my simple sentence, but make sure you don't start justifying your behavior or naming what they did to injure you. That is how too many of us apologize.  When our apologies go rambling off into "I said, you said" all the person can hear is blame.  Blame can make any of us defensive and angry. Nothing good will come from that.  Never, never say, "I am sorry, BUT...".  Hopefully, the apology will open continued honest dialogue between you and your friend/loved one. The hope is that this is not the end, but the beginning of continued meaningful conversations about how to be better fellow humans.  

In the future, one of your goals is to stay tuned into your behavior. This mindfulness will be the key to anger management in the future. If you do stay mindful, you will find fewer times when you have said something that wrongs another human being.  If you do wrong someone, you will be more immediately aware of the need to make amends.   You probably will not need someone else to point out the hurtfulness of what you said or did.  Having said that, remember, you are human and you may be learning some new habits.  You will make mistakes, but in the process, you will get much better at being kind.  Be loving to yourself as you learn.

Another important part of this process is to not apologize when to do so would cause harm.  You often need the opinions of others who understand the process of forgiving to help you figure this out. Getting still and quiet and asking yourself  "will my apology harm the other person or me?".  Thinking about whether the amends might hurt you or the one you apologize to is important.  It should not be used as an excuse for not doing what needs to be done.

Remember  our lessons about loving yourself?  If the person you have harmed is  toxic to you, that is, they are so damaged they cause you emotional pain every time you spend time with them, think about some alternatives.  You may want to make the apology but not continue to spend time with them.   You might write a letter, and then decide if you want to send it.  You might even read it to a trusted friend and discuss your feelings with them.  Perhaps the person is so mistrustful and full of anger that your apology will simply stir up tremendous negative energy.  In that case it is better to "do no harm".  Perhaps when you are further into using the process you can revisit the possibility of making that more direct apology.  Remember, you can always write what you would want to say and read it to a friend or your mirror.