Things to remember as you manage your anger:
Amends is defined as compensation for a loss or injury. In our society we often think this is analogous to money. Although monetary payment could be the right thing to do if you have stolen money from someone by taking their belongings or by not repaying a debt, it is not always relevant when talking about human relationships.
It is good to say at the end of your apology you will be open to further discussion now or at a later time as the person you are apologizing to may choose. This keeps the door open in case your actions have opened something in them they need to talk about. The amends may need to continue depending on what that person might bring forward through that open door.
Amends is defined as compensation for a loss or injury. In our society we often think this is analogous to money. Although monetary payment could be the right thing to do if you have stolen money from someone by taking their belongings or by not repaying a debt, it is not always relevant when talking about human relationships.
It is good to say at the end of your apology you will be open to further discussion now or at a later time as the person you are apologizing to may choose. This keeps the door open in case your actions have opened something in them they need to talk about. The amends may need to continue depending on what that person might bring forward through that open door.
Do not apologize to a person because you want them to apologize to you. You would be giving the amends in order to get something you want. That is manipulative and not based on love. It will result in harm to you and to them. Remember, we get back what we give. If I try to manipulate you, sooner or later someone I care about will try to manipulate me. It is guaranteed that you will end up feeling worse, not better, in the long run. Do not say you are sorry to someone unless you truly do not need anything from them.
Before you make a personal contact, think about what you think the worst possible reaction or result might be. Ask yourself how you will react and feel if the worst actually does occur. If you do not think you can deal with that, then don't make an apology directly. Write the letter, read it to a friend, and put it in a file. Maybe someday you will decide that you can deal with the worst that can happen. Maybe you will never get there. Do keep loving yourself and being kind to yourself.
I have asked for forgiveness from many I have wronged, and can readily say that sometimes the worst that I could imagine did happen. Sometimes I thought things through and decided I could not bear the worst that could happen, so I simply wrote a letter I never mailed. Sometimes when I apologized the reaction was much less than I anticipated. Sometimes the apology went well and the person continued to do harm to my well-being when I was around them. Sometimes I found myself engaging in a negative exchange. The relationship was toxic. I simply distanced myself from them when I realized this. I did not return to my anger but I did not stay in a place that harmed me.
Making amends is well worth the time. You will get better at the practice of being aware of your own stimulus impact. I still open my mouth when I shouldn't and people do not always accept my first apology. Yes, that means sometimes it takes more than one heartfelt apology for someone to hear you. Even after they hear you, it may then take time for them to accept it. In those cases, I do continue to try to do no harm and work at making amends. If I have betrayed trust, it is not easy to rebuild it. I keep that in mind and continue to be mindful of my need to be trustworthy with all people.
Even after you finish your list of people to apologize to, remember to keep practicing the things you have learned. We are humans, so we will make mistakes. To decrease your mistakes, be mindful of what you think, say and do. When you find yourself reacting with anger which is coming out of fear or sadness, be aware that you can spin off into old habits. You can always choose not to spin off or to spin back to the new habit. You can say to yourself, "Stop that". You can listen to what you are saying to yourself. Life is indeed about minute to minute choices. Just because you find yourself in anger doesn't mean you have to harm someone. You can decide to just sit with that anger, examine it, and think about what you might do with it. You can decide to just let it go whenever you choose.
When I was early in reworking my expression of anger, I became incensed at someone. I thought about what the person did and thought, "I want to tell them they are a @$$!!##". I said, "No". Then I thought I could just tell them what I thought of what they "did to me". Again, I thought, "No". Finally, I thought, I could just let it go and forgive them. I realized anything I did would be harmful to both of us. Strangely the last thought gave me peace about it. Interestingly, I do not remember who I was angry with or what they had done. I do remember my thought process because it marked the beginning of me being in control of my behavior.
Anger Management is a process. It is a process that has enriched my life. I have seen other lives enriched by a person taking the process and making it their own.
I have asked for forgiveness from many I have wronged, and can readily say that sometimes the worst that I could imagine did happen. Sometimes I thought things through and decided I could not bear the worst that could happen, so I simply wrote a letter I never mailed. Sometimes when I apologized the reaction was much less than I anticipated. Sometimes the apology went well and the person continued to do harm to my well-being when I was around them. Sometimes I found myself engaging in a negative exchange. The relationship was toxic. I simply distanced myself from them when I realized this. I did not return to my anger but I did not stay in a place that harmed me.
Making amends is well worth the time. You will get better at the practice of being aware of your own stimulus impact. I still open my mouth when I shouldn't and people do not always accept my first apology. Yes, that means sometimes it takes more than one heartfelt apology for someone to hear you. Even after they hear you, it may then take time for them to accept it. In those cases, I do continue to try to do no harm and work at making amends. If I have betrayed trust, it is not easy to rebuild it. I keep that in mind and continue to be mindful of my need to be trustworthy with all people.
Even after you finish your list of people to apologize to, remember to keep practicing the things you have learned. We are humans, so we will make mistakes. To decrease your mistakes, be mindful of what you think, say and do. When you find yourself reacting with anger which is coming out of fear or sadness, be aware that you can spin off into old habits. You can always choose not to spin off or to spin back to the new habit. You can say to yourself, "Stop that". You can listen to what you are saying to yourself. Life is indeed about minute to minute choices. Just because you find yourself in anger doesn't mean you have to harm someone. You can decide to just sit with that anger, examine it, and think about what you might do with it. You can decide to just let it go whenever you choose.
When I was early in reworking my expression of anger, I became incensed at someone. I thought about what the person did and thought, "I want to tell them they are a @$$!!##". I said, "No". Then I thought I could just tell them what I thought of what they "did to me". Again, I thought, "No". Finally, I thought, I could just let it go and forgive them. I realized anything I did would be harmful to both of us. Strangely the last thought gave me peace about it. Interestingly, I do not remember who I was angry with or what they had done. I do remember my thought process because it marked the beginning of me being in control of my behavior.
Anger Management is a process. It is a process that has enriched my life. I have seen other lives enriched by a person taking the process and making it their own.
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